Dear Rhonda,

Why is it that your column does not come out on a regular schedule?

Lonely Reader,

Dear Lonely Reader;

Thank you very much for the question and the assumed compliment. Truth is, and as unbelievable as it sounds, I have become a Republican and my duties to the party have kept me from my loyal and needy readers.

Earlier this year I got a call from Sarah informing me that she would be stepping down as governor and asking me to go on tour with her. I was stunned that she was interested in my political views and elated to know that Rhonda would finally get a national platform, but it turns out she only wanted me as an opening act at her rallies. Apparently, there is no one like good ole Rhonda to whip a bunch of rednecks into a blaze of hate for the news cameras. Who knew it was all so staged? Even in middle age (the lower side of it), Rhonda keeps learning the ways of the world.

And why did I do it you ask? That’s right…money. There’s nothing more American than making a buck! I am not sure if my readers are aware, but my salary at doversworld.com didn’t even cover the monthly electric bill to run the laptop that I am writing this on now. With my new Republican money, I can afford to live the lifestyle for which I am about to become accustomed.

And the Palin’s and I have become pretty close. She’s not all bad. She’s a good mom and even lets me babysit for little Tripp (I think that’s his name). Whatever his little name is, he sure loves to play with Rhonda’s big tacky earrings. And thanks to Sarah, Rhonda is a card-carrying member of the NRA and I am packing “heat” in my fake Gucci bag (hey, just because I have money now doesn’t mean I am gonna pay $2500 for a bag that I can get on Canal Street for $85). I’m not one of those girls who forgets her roots…

Some of my more savvy readers may have caught my past tense in the above paragraph regarding my salary atdoversworld.com. I said it “was”. For my slower readers, that means it no longer “is”. Yes, this is my final column. Rhonda has a new road ahead of her and dare I say a new “cougar” relationship that takes a front seat in my life. I cannot divulge any names, but it would not be untrue to say that he may or may not be featured in Playgirl this month and may or may not be related to Sarah through a blood grandchild. You do the math…

I am eternally grateful to doversworld.com for slave-laboring me into the Republican Party and wish everyone a very happy and safe holiday season.

Best,

Rhonda

p.s. Although this is a goodbye, don’t be surprised if Rhonda comes back for guest columns now and again. Until then, I am off to Columbus to perform I AM WHO I AM by Gloria Gaynor to open another Palin speech. Apparently, NBC cameras are gonna be there, so the Palin camp asked me to perform in a beaded tube top.  God I love my job…

If you, my readers, are as upset as I am by the departure of Rhonda from our website, PLEASE WRITE IN to tell her that our lives just cannot go on without her sage advice and wisdom! Maybe she will change her mind

Posted: Saturday, January 9th, 2010 at 11:13 am
Filed under: Ask Rhonda