Dear Rhonda,

Why is it that your column does not come out on a regular schedule?

Lonely Reader,

Dear Lonely Reader;

Thank you very much for the question and the assumed compliment. Truth is, and as unbelievable as it sounds, I have become a Republican and my duties to the party have kept me from my loyal and needy readers.

Earlier this year I got a call from Sarah informing me that she would be stepping down as governor and asking me to go on tour with her. I was stunned that she was interested in my political views and elated to know that Rhonda would finally get a national platform, but it turns out she only wanted me as an opening act at her rallies. Apparently, there is no one like good ole Rhonda to whip a bunch of rednecks into a blaze of hate for the news cameras. Who knew it was all so staged? Even in middle age (the lower side of it), Rhonda keeps learning the ways of the world.

And why did I do it you ask? That’s right…money. There’s nothing more American than making a buck! I am not sure if my readers are aware, but my salary at doversworld.com didn’t even cover the monthly electric bill to run the laptop that I am writing this on now. With my new Republican money, I can afford to live the lifestyle for which I am about to become accustomed.

And the Palin’s and I have become pretty close. She’s not all bad. She’s a good mom and even lets me babysit for little Tripp (I think that’s his name). Whatever his little name is, he sure loves to play with Rhonda’s big tacky earrings. And thanks to Sarah, Rhonda is a card-carrying member of the NRA and I am packing “heat” in my fake Gucci bag (hey, just because I have money now doesn’t mean I am gonna pay $2500 for a bag that I can get on Canal Street for $85). I’m not one of those girls who forgets her roots…

Some of my more savvy readers may have caught my past tense in the above paragraph regarding my salary atdoversworld.com. I said it “was”. For my slower readers, that means it no longer “is”. Yes, this is my final column. Rhonda has a new road ahead of her and dare I say a new “cougar” relationship that takes a front seat in my life. I cannot divulge any names, but it would not be untrue to say that he may or may not be featured in Playgirl this month and may or may not be related to Sarah through a blood grandchild. You do the math…

I am eternally grateful to doversworld.com for slave-laboring me into the Republican Party and wish everyone a very happy and safe holiday season.

Best,

Rhonda

p.s. Although this is a goodbye, don’t be surprised if Rhonda comes back for guest columns now and again. Until then, I am off to Columbus to perform I AM WHO I AM by Gloria Gaynor to open another Palin speech. Apparently, NBC cameras are gonna be there, so the Palin camp asked me to perform in a beaded tube top.  God I love my job…

If you, my readers, are as upset as I am by the departure of Rhonda from our website, PLEASE WRITE IN to tell her that our lives just cannot go on without her sage advice and wisdom! Maybe she will change her mind

Dear Rhonda,

I am OCD about clealiness and perfect order for my horses, barn and the farm grounds. I can not ride or simply enjoy the company of my six horses before all is perfect in all aspects. I have tried - again and again to just relax and go forward with training, but all I do is stare at what needs to be done. I have even hired a few people to assist me but the outcome is never the result that I expect. So, in your opinion, what should I do?

JP

Dear JP,

I have a very close friend who suffers from the same obsession of order and tidiness.  I bet you’re the type of person who has decorative towels hanging in your bathroom and that your head would explode if someone accidentally used them. Trust me JP, I know you better than you you know yourself. I had a similar situation on the early 1990’s but my demons told me to steal Tampax and candy bars from Duane Reade. Lets just leave it at that and move on. back to you…

Without being judgmental JP, you are a bit crackers. But that’s OK.  Some of my best friends and the most interesting people I know are crackers too. The bad news from this situation is that you can’t make the feelings go away completely. You will suffer with this for the rest of your life (as will those around you). It’s just who you are. You are just wound way too tight.

But, the good news is that there are a few things you can do to help silence the demons roaming through your head constantly telling you to clean. First off, get yourself laid more often. I bet it’s been at least two years. No one this uptight has a descent sex life. Secondly, get yourself a therapist and see him/her at last once a week (make sure its the kind of therapist who can dispense Xanax).  Third and most importantly, make sure to send Rhonda three of those Xanax pills per week (preferably 5 mg each). It ain’t easy fielding questions from crazy people…

Good luck,
Rhonda

Dear Rhonda,
How do I encourage my co-worker to make better dating choices? She meets total losers in bars and they make her life miserable. When a fellow co-worker wanted to ask her out, she wasn’t interested. He is a decent person with steady employment. I am always a bit speechless when she goes on and on about the total losers making her life miserable.
Sincerely,
What is a Friend to Do

Dear Ms. Do,
What would a girl do without a friend like you? You’re there to listen and you’re there for advice. But you know what you’re mostly there for… to enable her. That’s right!
Now, I hate to be judgmental (not really), but I have met tons of wet mops like her and they all drive me batty. But hear me out on this. As long as you keep giving her attention she will continue dating these losers. It is a viscous cycle and these bad relationships are her identity. Of course she doesn’t want to date a decent guy! He would be nice to her and she would have nothing to talk about.
Your only recourse is to stop listening. Your listening and enabling is the oxygen that fuels her fire. Cut it off. Just tell her that you are her friend, but you are tired of listening to the same old story time and time again when she really has no desire to change. You may have to do it as an intervention with a few other friends to make it meaningful. If you don’t she will trash you and move on to someone else. Kinda like a virus. Anyway, good luck with this losing situation.
Best,
Rhonda
p.s. You must not be in sales because your description of the fellow co-worker being “a decent person with steady employment” was about as enticing as a day-old tuna fish sandwich laying out on a sun-drenched picnic table in the middle of August. I would hate for you to write my match.com ad.

Dear Rhonda,

I am going on my first job interview in twenty years. I am over 50 and petrified for so many reasons that I can’t even count them. I am not sure what experience you have in this arena, but if you do, do you have any advice on what I should or should not do or what I should or shouldn’t say?

Thank you,

Gladys

Dear Gladys,

What shouldn’t you do? I can tell you right off the bat…don’t fart. No offense, but your age, combined with your level of nerves can result in a complete and utter loss of control. It’s a little known fact that most don’t talk about, but sadly true. I’m sorry I brought it up because now that’s all you’ll think about.

Before I go on, I just want to ease your concern about my qualifications in this arena.
“Dear Rhonda” did not just get handed the job writing this column out of nowhere (and I use the term “job” loosely, since Dover pays less than a Guatemalan sweat shop). Doversworld.com put me through a rigorous interview process, which included a background check, three personal essays, four in-person interviews and two fluid samples (lets just leave it at that…I had a poppy seed bagel the morning of one of the interviews and lets just say that some of the tests came back “questionable”). Needless to say, Rhonda came through with flying colors and the job!

So as an accomplished interviewee, Rhonda’s advice is to focus on what “to do” rather than on what you “shouldn’t do”. Here are four full-proof ways to land a job.

1) Be yourself: You are going to spend 40-60 hours a week there, so you want them to hire you based on the real YOU. If you fake it and get the job you will only be unhappy in the long run.

2) Be professional- Be on time, turn your cell phone off and dress appropriately

3) Be prepared – Know the company, know the job description and let them know exactly why you are the right choice.

4) If all is going well and you want the job, (now this is very important, so read carefully) ask them why YOU should take the job. Remember that an interview goes both ways. You both have to convince each other that the other is right for the position.

note: if this is a part-time Burger King or similar job, disregard #1-#4. You will be unhappy anyway, so just lie and do whatever you have to get the job, so that you can make your $7.25/hour.

Good luck,

Rhonda

Dear Rhonda,

I am a 41 year old gay man and have been dating a 22 year old for the past six
weeks.  I am the youngest of my group of friends and most of them have
been telling me that I am crazy. Am I delusional or is there a chance
at all that this will work?

Thanks,

Cou-gay

Dear Cou-gay (love the spin on Demi Moore’s inspired “Cougar” title),

First of all, I have to say that I am thrilled to finally get a
question from my silent (but clearly prevalent) gay audience.  I knew
you were out there.

My first reaction was YIKES! Twenty-two?? And not for the reasons you
may think.  It was pure jealousy. That’s right, jealousy. And that’s
exactly why your friends said what they said to you.  Deep down, they
may have felt concern and wondered what mid-life fantasy you were
trying to work through (I know which one I am working through just
thinking about it), but WHY the comments shot out of their mouths were
based in 100% pure jealousy. And why shouldn’t they be.  Good for you.

Now back to the million dollar question. Does this relationship have a
chance at all?  Yes it does my dear Cou-gay. Your relationship has the
same chance of success that Rhonda has of being abducted by a Middle
Eastern terrorist and then falling in love with the terrorist.

I know those odds don’t sound good, but remember it did kinda happen
that way for Patty Hearst, so keep your chin up! What you need to
remember is that true love comes in many shapes, sizes, sexes and
ages. It always comes when least expecte. and it may not look
anything like you expected.  Have fun, respect each other’s different
perspectives, be safe and see where it goes (and feel free to send
photos of the twenty-two year old)

Best,

Rhonda

Dear Rhonda, I recently took a job as a Personal Assistant for a high profile celebrity and am baffled by her lifestyle. For all the fabulous restaurants and shops I follow her around to she never once pulled out her platinum card -ever!

Apparently, the shop owners all feel obliged to comp her so as to ensure she will keep coming back. Well, she invariably gets liquored up to the point of no return, which puts her hours and yes, sometimes days late for her obligations to her business associates. Can you please shed some light for us mortals as to what is proper etiquette for those starlets like yourself who seem to play the game by a different set of rules?

Jealous P.A.

Dear Jealous,

The word that you seem to glaringly misunderstand from your own question is the word game. That is exactly what life is my dear. Your boss clearly understands this and knows exactly how to play it and you seem to be distressed (or shall I say bitter) by the fact that you don’t.

Now I am not condoning being drunk and rude, although they can work very well independently or in conjunction with other bad behaviors. What I am saying is that everything is relative. Now, I don’t know exactly who your boss is, but she obviously makes a lot of money for a lot of people. And I would imagine that a large part has to do with her persona. Whilst her behavior may seem unacceptable to you in the context of your world, she obviously delivers for the retailers, restaurateurs and business associates in hers.

Some people win at the game Monopoly after four or five or six long and boring hours of strategic and careful rule playing and others win in less than two by stacking FREE PARKING with tons of cash. Is either one less of a winner? I guess it depends on which rules you are playing by!

Regards,

Rhonda

Dear Rhonda,

I have a huge dilemma.  My sister who I love dearly is a slut.  Yes, she goes out with numerous men and sleeps with all of them even on the first date!  I am concerned not only for her safety but also for her mental stability.  Is this normal behavior or is she having a mid life crisis?  She did turn the BIG 4-0 this year.   But don’t single women who have mid life crises typically buy sports cars or extravagant jewelry, not take home different men each night?   How do I tactfully tell my sister that this behavior isn’t good for her and that she should settle down with just one nice guy?

Sincerely:

Monogamous

Dear Monogamous,

Before I get to your actual question, which is really a question about communication between you and your sister and not about her open-leg policy, I feel it my duty to enlighten you a bit. These are a few important points that I felt the need to share as I ready your letter.

1) The definition of a “slut” is relative. Paris Hilton and Hanna Montana probably have very different definitions.

2) There is no such thing as a “typical” midlife crisis. If you have means, you may choose to use money to make you feel better. If you don’t have the means you may use your muffin to make you feel better. In my experience it is usually a combination of both.

3) A highly utilized muffin does not lead to mental illness or instability*

4) “Settling down with one nice guy” sounds a bit like the “picket fence” dream. Just make sure you are not projecting your hopes and dreams on others.

5) Calling people sluts is not very nice.

Now that that is out of the way, lets get down to business. I can tell by your letter that you can be a bit of a judgmental little bitch yourself. And lets be honest; sometimes a slut is more fun to be around than a bitch (just some food for thought). You clearly love your sister, so my answer to your question is to work on your communication and delivery skills so that your message is not muddled by the delivery. Try something like this. Sit her down and ask her questions. Maybe ask her if she is happy? Making accusations and judgments will get you nowhere fast. Which of these two scenarios would you respond better to?

1) How are you lately? Are you happy? You know I love you and am always here for you if you ever want to talk. You are such a smart and attractive woman, but I sometimes worry that your big heart and trusting nature will get you in trouble. You know there are lots of creeps out there. You deserve one special guy to treat you like a queen.

2) Why don’t you act your age, settle down with a nice guy and stop acting like a slut. I hate that I have to worry about finding you dead in a dumpster.

I hope that my not-so subtle way of making a point helps you find a more subtle and loving way to let your sister know that you care.

Best,

Rhonda

*Rhonda has no medical training or expertise. Her views are not verified by any governing body whatsoever.

Hi Rhonda,
Will you share with us how you came to know Robert?
Thanks,
Julie

Dear Julie,

Whilst I am sure that most of my readers would imagine that Rhonda and Robert’s paths crossed while jet setting around the world surrounded by celebrities on the A list guest list within “DoversWorld” or maybe on one of his carefree adventures to Fire Island, Africa or on one of the world’s finest cruise ships.  Or maybe even in one of the VIP lounges in one of his six Olympics (I think I just got a nosebleed). I know what you’re thinking, it all sounds soooo FABULOUS and we’ll probably see it all on E-True Hollywood someday.  But, the truth of the matter is before Robert met Rhonda he was simply a good-hearted wallop of teased hair and bad teeth with a bag full of medals.

As I open this ultimately boring story, imagine the theme music to “Charlie’s Angels”. It will make the intro more entertaining.  Here we go, so cue the music… Once upon a time there were three little Jews, Robert, Robert & Rhonda. And they all met because of one man named Ken Berkley. Ken liked to throw dinner parties and one spring night in 1989 he brought us all together…(ok, cut the music. The into is over).

There were no fireworks, no instant attraction and no indication that we would ever see each other again, let alone become best of friends (although I still think Robert may have had inappropriate feelings for me that night…and to this day). Robert and Robert (sorry to throw him under the bus too) were two of the nicest guys that I had met, but also two of the oldest souls I had aver seen packaged into 20 and 30 year old bodies. And I say “old soul” so that I don’t sound bitchy (what I really want to say is boring and unglamorous).

They arrived by 7PM, had one drink (maybe), ate dinner, said their goodbyes and were home in bed by 9:15PM (and I think I am being generous with the 9:15). So there you have it. That is the seedling that sprouted a wonderful and what will be a lifelong friendship.  I know what many of you are thinking; Rhonda had her work cut out for her! Yes she certainly did, but Robert and his friendship has given back more than you can ever imagine. Whilst I may have made a few influential adjustments to his “fun scale”, I have not made any changes to the heart and soul of the person. Everyone should have a friend like him…

Best,

Rhonda

Hi Rhonda!

 Exactly a year ago  today, my boyfriend of three years cheated on
me (with an unattractive woman, for the record). I now have some
issues with intimacy, but I find that he doesn’t initiate because he
is afraid of my reactions.  The thing is, its only really arousing to me
when he takes the lead and starts everything.  I’ve come out and just “said
something” to him about it, but it doesn’t seem to work. He complains
that we don’t have sex enough, but his initiation is the issue, and a
frank conversation didn’t seem to work. Any other tips for either
helping me be okay with starting things off, or another way to get
through to him?

Thanks

Notin Thesac

Dear Notin,

You’re complaining that you don’t have enough sex; he’s complaining
that you don’t have enough sex; you told him that you want more sex
and even told him how to get it from you, yet he goes to some ugly
girl to get it? Not for nothing, but somethin aint right with this
story (and yes I said “aint”! A story this tragic deserves similar
English).

When you say he is afraid of your reaction when he initiates sex, I
must confess that I am actually afraid to even think of what that
means? What could you possibly do that is so frightening (or
disgusting) that makes sex with you revolting? Is it gas? Muscle
spasms? Twitching? Do you throw punches or do you kick uncontrollably
when you are nude and arroused? Do you suffer from sexual turrets?

I hate to say it, but this is more than just a sexual initiation
problem. While ugly girls are notoriously more aggressive sexually
(not a scientific fact, just based on Rhonda’s life experience), he
still had to “initiate” to let her know that he was available and open
to the possibility of sex. So initiation is not his problem…You are.

What I find interesting is that he doesn’t want to have sex with
you, yet he continues to stay with you. So on a positive note, all the
signs point to the fact that he loves you (or you have money). My
suggestion would be to find out what it is that you do in bed to
completely and utterly turn him off and KNOCK IT OFF immediately.
Whatever your issue is, including the ones I mentioned above, it can
be researched and cured with a good Google search. Good luck.

Best,

Rhonda=

Dear Rhonda,

I am a very fifty-something person who does all I can to remain youthful. And when I say, “all I can”, by that I mean absolutely everything at my disposal. I’ve become somewhat conflicted about this as many of my friends accuse me of being out of touch with reality and verging on needing an intervention. On the other hand, I still have the body of a 30 something year old and the skin of a teen. What’s your take on this?

Sincerely,
Bo Tocks

Dear Bo,

Hats off to you for so desperately remaining youthful not only in appearance, but in spirit as well. My first reaction is to tell your friends to buzz off. They are probably just jealous because they look old and crusty or that their “enhancements” are not as effective as yours (or it could be that you have nipped and tucked yourself into looking like a 20-year old Shar-pei in a 100 MPH wind tunnel and you frighten them), but then I began to wonder why you wrote into me in the first place.

If you really are the kind of person who gets yourself pricked, prodded and tucked as you say you do, you probably don’t really needs advice from me about what to tell your friends (or anyone else for that matter). Then it dawned on me. This isn’t about your decaying aged body and the conflict from your friends about your efforts to restore your broken down barn of a body at all. There is only one way that a fifty-something can have the “skin of a teen” or “the body of a 30 something”…HOOKERS.

Bo, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one past Rhonda, but good for you for trying (and almost getting me). I now completely agree with your friends. Your have issues. Big ones! Whilst sleeping with wildly inappropriate people is exhilarating (I know first hand), it poses a threat to both your emotional and physical well being (I note physical as well because at your age I assume that Viagra is an integral part of each encounter).

My “take on this” is that you need to listen to your friends and get a grip on reality. You (along with everyone else in this world) are going to whither and decay like a piece of raw hamburger meat sitting out in the sun in the middle of July. Now that is the truth to deal with. So until you can look at yourself in the mirror, smile and say “I love you”, you should steer clear of whatever it is that you are doing make yourself “feel young” because it won’t work. Beauty and confidence must come from within and only you can get yourself back on track. Trust me Bo, hookers are much more fun when you know who you are rather than looking to them to help find yourself.

Best,
Rhonda