Dear Rhonda,

One of my best friends is extremely high maintenance and uses guilt when I don’t return phone calls within four hours. Whenever I confront him about it he always has the same answer, “It’s a Jewish thing…I can’t help it.” I love him to death, but as a non-Jew, I don’t get it. How can I get him off my back? Thanks.

John R.

Dear John;

My reply to your naive, yet charming little question is going to be as comforting to you as a real “Dear John” letter. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Whilst my column was designed to help those in need with helpful tidbits of advice and guidance, Rhonda’s talents and experience are no match for a case of good ole fashioned, eight-thousand year old Jewish guilt. And you wanna know why? Because it works. My advice is that you return his calls within three hours and let someone else take all his grief. And trust me, someone will…

Mazel Tov,

Rhonda

Dear Rhonda,

You are so witty and clever with your amusing answers. Do you get your wit from your Mom or Dad? Do you think it is inherited or comes from your environment?

Best wishes,
Truly Interested

Dear Truly Interested,

Whilst I appreciate the compliment, even Helen Keller could have read between the lines on this question. And she could have done it way before she ever met her teacher Anne Sullivan.

I am not sure where exactly I inherited my wit or how much had to do with my environment. Whilst my mother and I have the same sense of humor and my father had a good sense of humor (at least he thought he did), neither my mother nor father are what you would call “witty.” Combine the biological Rhonda cocktail my parents concocted in a fit of passion with my upbringing in northern New Jersey as a skinny, buck-toothed, redheaded, freckle-faced, asthmatic and you do the math on how and why I became so witty. Some might say I had no choice…

Best,
Rhonda

Dear Rhonda,

I rented a beach house for the summer with a bunch of friends and really want to shed about 20 lbs before we all arrive for Memorial Day. Everyone has a different weight loss regimen that they all swear by. Any advice on which diet or workout routine might help me lose the weight?

Thanks
Cindy

Dear Cindy,

While I am neither a licensed nutritionist nor do I have any actual medical or physical fitness certification, I am filled with tons (no pun intended) of life experience. Before I answer your question, I must first strongly recommend that you consult your physician before beginning any new diet or exercise program.

Now that doversworld.com and I are legally covered, lets get down to business Cindy. You eat too much damn food! It’s that simple. You can cut carbs, give up meat, eat high protein, low protein, no sugar, no wheat or any of the fad diets that are out there (lets not even get into colonics…), but unless you cut your total caloric intake and exercise you will remain pleasurably plump (and in all likelihood gain slowly and steadily) throughout your entire life.

I have no idea how many calories are the right number for you and I surely don’t know what exercise program suits your physicality, but I will tell you two things that will be the foundation for any success you may have.

1. Be realistic- 20 lbs in two months is never going to happen. It probably took years to get to this point, so it will take some time to take it off. All this unrealistic goal will do is give you something to feel bad about on Memorial Day when you only lost 6-8 lbs. Set goals that you can celebrate, so that you don’t end up with your face in a bowl of chocolate ice cream trying to make yourself feel better over your perceived failure.
2. Make sure you are doing it (or anything in life for that matter) for the right reasons. If you are committed to making a “lifestyle change” then I have all the hope in the world that you will succeed and find a happier and healthier you under all those extra pounds. If you are doing this strictly to fit into a bathing suit, head out immediately and buy the ice cream now (and you might as well throw in the chocolate syrup…)

If you really want to change your lifestyle and can set realistic goals, then I suggest you join your local gym and sign up with a trainer. It may seem intimidating at first, but I guarantee it will be the best investment in YOU that you have probably made in years. And trust me, if you stay on the track, the 6-8 lbs on Memorial Day may well turn into the 20 you are hoping for by Labor Day. Please let me know how you progress and good luck!

Best,

Rhonda

Dear Rhonda,

I am a successful, 37 year old divorcé with no children and but can’t seem to get a date. All of my friends are married and I hate going to bars. I know so many people who met their soul mates on sites like Match.com and Eharmony.com, but honestly I can’t imagine myself on any of those sites. It feels a bit desperate. What is your take on this?

Lonely –Table for One

Dear Lonely,

What’s not to imagine about yourself being on one (if not all) of those site? Are you disfigured in a way that makes you unsalable in an online photo? Aside from severe burns about the face and/or neck, I can’t imagine you don’t have a respectable head shot. On the other hand, I can understand how you might feel insecure in the on-line medium having to promote yourself like a new book on Amazon.com. But, unfortunately this is the world we live in today, so I suggest you jump on board. Unless you want to grow old, choke on chicken bone and die by yourself you better pound out 350 words that describe yourself and upload a flattering photo or two. If it proves too difficult, get a $20 bottle of Merlot and invite your best friend over to help you write it. It will be a blast!

All that said, here are few of Rhonda’s rules for on-line dating, which are sure to make it a more pleasurable experience for both you and your prospective suitor.

1. Don’t lie (embellishing is OK)
2. Your photos must have been taken within the last 12 months and be within 5 pounds of your current weight
3. After 2-3 emails and 1-2 phone conversations set up a date. Don’t waste months getting to know each others innermost feelings on the phone and via email only to find out when you finally meet that your actual chemistry is dimmer than a 25 watt bulb. Trust me. it happens…
4. ALWAYS meet in a public place, no matter how “connected” you think you feel to him/her.
5. Don’t be discouraged after your disastrous first date with the 350 pound Herman Munster that shows up. I know he looked like Brad Pitt on Match.com, but not everyone listens to Rhonda’s rules #1 and #2…

I hope this helps and good luck out there. With a little courage and perseverance, I suspect you will be a “table for two” in no time.

Best,
Rhonda

Dear Rhonda,

Our 7 year old son has taken to putting on my dresses and dancing around the living room lip synching Brittany Spears songs holding my hairbrush as a microphone. We want to be supportive, but are out of our comfort zone on this one. Should we encourage, discourage or ignore the behavior.

Thanks for any advice.
Lena & Bob

Dear Lena & Bob,

Thanks for such an honest and open question. Whilst most people would never admit this is an issue in their household (yes, I said whilst), it is an issue that many, many families struggle with. I must confess upfront that I am not a licensed psychologist (or a licensed anything for that matter), but do have qualifying experience in just this sort of behavior. And as usual, the answer is simple. If he is talented; encourage him. By the time he is a young adult, Pricilla Queen of the Desert will be a regular broadcast on the Turner Classic Movie channel and Junior will be primed to take the lead in the remake. If he’s not; discourage him immediately and with force. Society is cruel and merciless to talentless drag queens. If he is just average at it, then ignore it. He will get bored and move on to Tonka trucks or Barbie.

Either way, there is nothing to worry about at all. Love him, celebrate his uniqueness and get on to issues that are much more substantive. I have included a link below to a video that I think will help you realize that you are not alone.

Warm regards,

Rhonda

Send your questions to rhonda@doversworld.com

Dear Rhonda,

One of my closest friends asked to borrow money from me. It’s not that
I can’t afford it, but I have a feeling that I will never get it back
and I don’t want to end up hurting our friendship and resenting her
for it. But, if I don’t give her the money I am afraid that she will
end up resenting me for not giving it to her. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Shawna

Dear Shawna,

It sounds like you’re screwed either way, so at least be screwed with
your money in tact. If she was a close friend, she would have known
better than to ask you for money (you seem a little tight and a true
friend would know that about you). And lets be honest, if she really
was your “nearest and dearest” you wouldn’t even be asking me what to
do. You would fork over your first born for a true friend.

It sounds to me like your relationship with her is as close as a
bastard’s to his “legitimate” half siblings. With that in mind there
is only one solution; LIE. Tell her that times are tough, you wish you
could help her and that it kills you that you can’t. My bet is that
she distances herself for a few weeks while she overcomes the
rejection (and preys on someone else) and that your “fringe”
friendship is back on track by the end of the month. And one last
note… buying her the meal over which you tell her “no” is completely
optional, but highly recommended. In the future, I would consider
bitching about your finances more in social situations so that you
don’t have “meal ticket” written all over you.

Mazal tov,
Rhonda

Send your questions to rhonda@doversworld.com

Dear Rhonda,

I recently joined Facebook and a fellow equestrian, whom I did not know, sent me a friend request. I accepted hoping to make a new friend, but now I am starting to regret it. She makes odd comments about photos and posts off-color wall-to-wall messages that creep me out.

What is the proper etiquette to get her off my back? Please keep in mind that we travel in the same industry, so I don’t want to be rude and possibly get a bad reputation. Thanks for any insight.

Signed-
Kelly Green

Dear Kelly,

18 months ago, I would have told you to take your lonely life off-line and start living it in the real world with real people, especially if you want to avoid the online woman-to-woman stalking tragedy you are currently enduring. But, the sad fact of the matter is that Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and all the other social networking sites have made their way into the social fabric of our society (proof being that it even made its way into the daily existence of someone as long in the tooth as me).

I am not an expert at warding off online stalkers; primarily because no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get myself one (maybe this column will do the trick). Regardless of that, I have a sure fire solution to your problem.

Log onto Facebook and click on your “friends” icon. All the way to the right of each person there is a small “x.” Click on this and a box will appear that asks if you want to remove this person as a friend. Confirm, “remove friend.” This person will be removed from your friends list and will not be able to correspond with you or see your profile in any way. And, the best part is that they are not notified that you dumped their sorry ass.

Next time she tries to email, post to your wall or comment to you, she will be blocked and have to send you an initial friend request like she did originally. And when she does (oh, and she will) just ignore it. Trust me; she will be confused, disoriented and assume that a technology glitch has stood in the way of your deep and meaningful friendship. At this point, Miss “Off-Color” herself will move on to a new target leaving you free and clear with no traceable blame.

Thankfully I was here to save your ass this time. From now on, lets stick to whom you know.

Best,
Rhonda

p.s. Just one caveat. If you exchanged phone numbers with her ignore everything I said. It becomes an entirely new question…

Dear Rhonda -

At what point in a man’s life does “age inappropriate” behavior actually become age inappropriate?

Chris Demeanors

Dear Chris,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you passed age inappropriate when you decided to even ask me this question. My grandmother used to say to me, “if you are questioning the appropriateness of your behavior, then there is nothing to question…you already know the answer”. I don’t know anything about you, but I do know that you are being a bad boy, so stop it and act your age (Whatever that age is… But, something tells me you’re over 40, bald and in need of a treadmill–and that’s not judgment, just a statistical probability).

Listen Chris, you better figure out a way to look in the mirror and love yourself the way you are, let go of your youth and figure out how to capitalize on your life experience to help you work through this emotional regression. Even though you asked the question, I think we both know that you already know the answer…

Good luck & grow up,

Rhonda

Send your questions to rhonda@doversworld.com

Dear Rhonda,

My husband told me that I have to sell my horse because the economy was bad and that we couldn’t afford to keep her anymore. I love my husband dearly, but owning and riding Starlight has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and I can’t imagine giving her up. How should I handle this situation?

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Torn

Dear Hopelessly Torn,

The only thing hopeless about this situation is that you are even torn about what to do. Most things in life are very simple to resolve, but most people make them way too complicated. Let’s look at this situation mathematically. I don’t have exact statistics, but in my experience a true horse lover remains a horse lover their entire life. Are you with me so far? If so, let’s continue. Statistic #2: The divorce rate in the country is at least 50%. Do you see where I am heading?

I don’t mean to be a downer, but you are statistically more likely to grow old and menopausal with Starlight (and a cat) then you are with your Mr. Torn. My advice would be to tell your husband that if he truly loves you then he will love Starlight as he would his own child and do everything in his power to keep you together. And tell him, if Starlight has to go then you have to go! I guarantee that you and Starlight will be secure (but just in case, I would sell Starlight to one of your friends for $1. This way he can’t get 50% of her in a divorce settlement).

Best of luck and let me know how it all works out.

Rhonda

I heard you got your start in showbiz at the Cartwheel in New Hope. Can you please elaborate?
Signed: Harey Bare

Dear Harey,

I hope you don’t mind me taking the liberty of calling you by your first name. I am not much for formality (truth be told, I didn’t know if I should call you Mr. or Ms.). Regardless of your ambiguous name, thanks for such and inspired and perfect introductory question for my new column.

Truth is, while Madonna reigned the airwaves with Vogue and Express Yourself, Rhonda Weiss (before my two divorces, my annulment and one “death by natural causes”) was peddling my falsies on the Monday night stage at New Hope’s historic (and currently burned down) Cartwheel. There was no better place to learn life’s lessons and hone my skills as a future advice columnist (and not to mention the $50 bucks and five free Sea Breezes). I knew even then that someday the lessons I learned on that stage (love, loss, more love, more loss, and weight gain) would make their way to the people and that the wisdom I achieved could be shared for generations to follow.

It is with this same humility that I offer myself up to Dover’s World readers and hope that in my small way I can make a difference. Thank you for your question and I look forward to hearing from more of you.

Warm wishes,

Rhonda

Rhonda Weiss-Weiner-Baucher-Mahaney-Stendahl